Refiner's Fire
I have decided to share this experience for a few reasons. The first being that typing out the details and *trying to* explain my emotions and thoughts is something very therapeutic for me. I hope that this can be a way for me to get it all out there and move forward from here. But, I also want to share my story because before experiencing this on my own, I hadn’t heard any stories from anyone about this. I am hoping by talking about it that I can help someone else who might be going through a similar experience, so that they may not feel as alone (unaware, scared, unprepared?) as Parker and I did.
On June 1st, I took a positive pregnancy test on a whim. Mostly, I decided to take the test because I had a warm feeling that I wasn’t alone anymore. I felt another little presence that I couldn’t really describe. Initially, I didn’t see that second little line and I felt pretty bummed and slightly deceived. A few moments passed, and looking at it again, there it was. For the first time, I saw that second little line. I immediately was excited. I was about 4 weeks at this point. I was smiling ear to ear, my body was shaking and my heart was beating pretty good. I grabbed my belly and said hello to my little baby and told him/her how excited I was to get to know him/her (him, FOR SURE, if you ask my husband) . I could NOT wait to tell Parker. Well that evening, my mom and I were travelling to Layton for a bridal shower, so before we left I told Parker the news. He didn’t seem to really believe it at first and especially since the line was so faint. I had to explain to him that no matter how faint the line is, it is definitely a positive!! He got pretty excited at that point. After that, my mom and I went on our way up to Layton and I still hadn’t told my mom. We wanted to wait at least until after our first OB appointment to tell anyone at first. Well, excitement took over and we just couldn’t wait, so the next week (5 weeks along) and after taking another test to confirm, we told our parents and Parker’s brothers and sisters. I wasn’t too worried about telling them because I am someone who does better with support. I knew if anything happened, I wanted them to know so that I would have a circle of love if need be. This brings me to the next Monday. I went to work like any other day and we were starting to mark down some of our Spring/Summer clothing to make room for our Fall transition items to come in. I remember having a dull ache/cramp in my right pelvic area but it wasn’t anything crazy at all, it just wasn’t going away. I knew that some cramping was pretty normal and so I didn’t worry too much. I remember thinking I wanted water really badly and I kept saying to myself, “I’ll break after I get this rack done.” Well, I went to the restroom and found quite a bit of blood. I freaked out and starting crying uncontrollably. I didn’t know what to do, but I just had this feeling like it wasn’t good. I told two of the ladies at work what was going on because I didn’t just want to go home crying without any explanation. I called Parker, he came and got me and took me home. After talking to Parker and realizing the cramps had gone away and the bleeding was seeming to stop, we decided to wait to call the doctor until the next day. I just rested and drank lots of water. The next day I talked with a nurse and she assured me that even though it was quite a bit of blood that it could be very normal--especially since I hadn’t passed any tissue whatsoever. She just told me to monitor it and if it happened again or if I started to pass tissue, to call again. So I went on like normal. Bleeding seemed to slow, the dull ache/cramping went away and I was excited again! We started talking names, we got our whole family’s opinion on them, and we talked about the baby constantly. I will say there was a feeling really deep down that I couldn’t shake that I may not be having this baby. I just chalked this up to irrational fear after what happened and continued being excited. Well a week later, on June 21st I felt miserable. I felt empty, sick, and fearful. I woke up and had nausea and thought how terribly unlucky I was that I was going to have morning sickness. As the day went on I started cramping and the cramps continually got worse as the day went on. I went home for lunch and realized I started bleeding again. This time it was so much worse and I was passing tissue. I was so deeply scared and in so much pain. I felt like my uterus was burning. I knew this was definitely NOT normal this time and called the doctor’s office again. I knew that I was miscarrying--I felt it. Intuitively, I knew it and physically saw all the signs. The doctor wanted me to come in for an ultrasound the next morning. That night was the worst night of my life. I was in so much pain that just wouldn’t go away and I just kept bleeding. I probably slept a whole hour that night. I felt so bad keeping Parker up with my tears and my constant movement and worry. But he just kept saying “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.”
The next day we went to the ultrasound. The person at the front desk probably had no idea the real reason why I was there and said they needed to take my picture. I remember just feeling like there was no point for that because I wouldn’t be coming back. I remember looking at Parker and just giving him a half smile like, “Really?” He probably had no idea what I meant by it.
They took us in right away and we started the ultrasound. I just laid there and the ultrasound tech said, “Okay, so this is your uterus right here and usually we will see a sac and I’m sorry but I don’t see anything.” She was very sweet, but she had just confirmed what I already knew deep down, and the concrete knowledge of what happened was crushing. I didn’t know what to say and so I just didn’t say anything and let my tears fall. She then said she wanted to do a pelvic ultrasound just to rule out ectopic pregnancy. If you don’t know what that is, basically in a nutshell, an ectopic pregnancy is when the embryo implants somewhere other than the uterus. It could be in a Fallopian tube, an ovary, or other places that are much more rare. If left untreated, the tube or ovary can burst, cause internal bleeding and then become life threatening for the mom. In order to “fix” it (at least in MY case), I had to have an injection of a chemotherapeutic agent that “stops” the growing embryo and allows you to pass it like a miscarriage. When finding out that I was pregnant, of course, I researched all the good and even the bad and I was TERRIFIED of an ectopic pregnancy. I remember reading about it and just saying to myself, “Well, that would be an absolute nightmare.” Turns out, of course that was what ended up being the issue. I had an ectopic pregnancy in my right fallopian tube. We were lucky in that we caught it before any bursting had happened. Right now, I am in the tail end of my treatment if you will and we are just measuring my hormone levels until they are back down to a 0. I feel better physically and emotionally I’m doing okay. I definitely have moments where I will randomly become emotional and just yearn so badly to hold a baby and just touch and hold their sweet little hands. I feel like I have handled it the best way I know how but I don’t know really how I’m feeling when people ask me. I don’t really know how to answer. I feel fine but I do have times when I am not. I don’t know how I’ll feel when certain dates come around--like my due date or when we could have announced to everyone. But, for now I do know one thing:
“And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also; knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope.” -Romans 5:3-4
I may not come to ever understand why I would be entrusted to bring a baby into this world and then suddenly not be able to anymore. But, if all I get out of this is experience, then that’s okay. Life is all about the experiences that help us to grow and learn and become stronger. I feel like through all of this, if we have learned anything, we learned that we are extremely excited to start a family. I have learned to put my faith in God more than I ever have before and I feel a deeper love for my husband than I did before. I feel like we have learned to lean on each other. I feel like we have learned to serve one another more. I feel like I have learned to not be insensitive to others. You have no idea what another human is going through. Just be kind. And, out of all of this I have found hope, just like it says in Romans 5. I’m okay with that, even if I’m not okay with what happened yet.
